This section is basically a list of things that *really* piss me off when I find them in a sex scene. You can subtitle it, "Burn all Mills and Boon!"

Yes, you read right. I'm a Spike/Buffy 'shipper, and I'm very very tired of most of the fic I'm reading. Some things *really* piss me off, to be quite frank. Here's why.

1. IN THE PARK - Or the bedroom! That's all the choice poor Buffy gets. I feel sorry for her.

2. IN THE MOTEL - No, wait. She also gets a dingy motel after sending her lover to Hell. Oh, joy. Have you *seen* those things? Who on *earth* would want to get down and dirty in *there*?!

3. SUDDEN REBIRTH - I must confess that I've laughed out loud whenever I've read that Spike gets 'out of breath'. Last I heard, he didn't *have* breath....

4. THE MISSIONARY - Someone shoot me now. All those things I assumed about Spike's sexual prowess were *so* wrong because all he ever does is indulge in the missionary position. And what's more, it's enough to give Buffy an orgasm. Wow. And here I thought that added clitoral stimulation was needed..... (or is this a case of wishful thinking?)

5. DECLARATIONS - So, Spike loves Buffy, does he? Good for him. Why does he feel the need to tell her after they've had sex? *Sex*?! Come on! He's a *vampire*! It takes a *lot* more than a simple shag to bring those cuddly feelings out.... I mean, even normal guys have trouble with the 'L' word - what would make Spike any different? Especially since he's just bedded his mortal enemy? Sex doesn't equal love, unfortunately.

6. POOR CHOICES OF WORDS - Please no more devouring. If he 'devours' her, he doesn't leave a whole lot behind. If he 'ravishes' her, 1. I burst out laughing, and 2. she reports him for rape. If she sucks him like an ice lolly, I want to know whether she bites down to get the last of the ice cream before it melts away. And if he tastes 'sweet', I want to know exactly what diet he's on, since last I heard, both semen and blood are tangy and coppery. And salty. *Not* sweet. Unless he's diabetic (and that may be just hearsay).

7. CRYING. FROM EVERYONE - Spare me the waterworks, before, during or after sex. *Please*.

8. OUCH! - Anal sex *needs* lubrication. I don't care if the Slayer heals a lot faster than most humans. She'd still rip Spike's head off and shove it up his arse if he attempted rear entry without lubrication.

9. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO... - Safe sex? Doesn't anyone use condoms anymore? I shudder to think of the STDs that must be floating around the Scooby Gang.....

SEE HERE FOR A BRIEF EMAIL DISCUSSION OF THIS POINT

10. ASK A FRIEND - Threesomes are messy. Fun, but messy. Elbows end up in stomachs, knees end up in faces, often someone *will* end up left out, if only for a little while. There is *no* choreography going on (though, God knows, it's often attempted - but quickly abandoned). If either Buffy or Spike bring a friend along, I suggest that they 1. get a larger bed, 2. kiss their relationship goodbye (if the couple isn't secure in their status, a threesome will almost certainly break them up), and 3. get used to sharing! Not everyone can participate at the same time.