'Normal' sex scenes - i.e. straight missionary position, lasts about twenty minutes - are done pretty much without mistakes. It's because everyone knows what to write, right? Everyone's 'done it'. Sometimes the odd bit of fantasy creeps in (oh, if I found someone who could literally keep it up all night or do eight times and not get tired I'd be handcuffing him to my bed so fast .....! But enough about me. *g*), but that's to be expected if we want the scene to be engaging.

Why is it, then, that when it comes to foreplay and various anatomical parts, that most sex scenes are unimaginative at the very least, and sometimes just plain *impossible*? I'm not talking about kinks and oral/anal sex (which have their own sections), but just simple, straight out sex. You know, Buffy gets on her back, Spike plugs himself in or whatever, and they get their twenty minutes. There are some glaring inaccuracies that seriously spoil an otherwise good sex scene.

I'm not going to go over the biology of it here, and I think I've covered all possible variations elsewhere! This is just a short number of things to have a think about before you write your next sex scene. Maybe I'm being too literal with some of these, but as a linguistics nut, words and their various meanings affect my enjoyment of a scene a *lot*. One ill-placed word, one wrong description, can spoil an otherwise great scene. These are just points to consider if you're writing a 'real life' scene, as opposed to a 'fantasy sex' scene.

To illustrate - I'm writing a Spike / Willow, Spike / ten billion others fiction at the moment, that will eventually have a Spike / Willow scene in it. That scene has already been written. I've chosen fantasy sex - i.e., the kind of sex I'd like to participate in / observe / whatever if it was physically possible. It's *not* real sex - the warning is don't try this at home. I could have gone the other way and made the scene stark and realistic, or just sensual and 'real'. Well, I could have tried anyway. *grin* This is help if you're going for that.

1. BREASTS AND NIPPLES - If Spike dared squeeze Buffy's breast to the point of pain in a *normal* sex scene (I'm not talking about masochism, sadism or non-consensual stuff), there wouldn't be much sex taking place afterwards. He would *not* 'knead' her breast, as that would, knowing his vampire strength, probably rupture tissue, and at the very least hurt like hell and bruise quickly. However, he *would* stroke, caress, fondle and, yes, he would squeeze, but *not* until she hit him. ;-)

The same goes for her nipples. He dares to bite (most especially if he's got his game face on), there won't be much left of him - let alone Buffy's breast! Nibbling's okay, but biting. . . . uhuh.

2. THE CLITORIS - He will *never*, *ever* - if he knows what's good for him - press her clitoris. Thankfully, I haven't read this often, but it has happened upon occasion. It bloody *hurts* to have direct pressure on the clitoris, and she will smack him upside the head if he so much as thinks it. I'm assuming that most readers here are female. . . . . girls, you should *know* this! *sigh* The key is to rub, rather than prod and poke.

3. THRUSTING - Contrary to fantasy sex beliefs, a woman can't come from three strategically placed thrusts. First off, there needs to be continued clitoral stimulation for orgasm. Second, slow, clean strokes that build up in speed and pressure work best if he's going for her pleasure as well as his. And I assume that he is. . . . .

The opposite problem of not thrusting enough is thrusting *too* much. A numb vagina is *not* fun, and an hour of little or no variance thrusting may be easy enough to write, but it's not realistic and it doesn't exacly have much of an effect upon the reader either.

4. TOP OR BOTTOM? - You might be able to excuse this away due to Slayer strength and whatnot. Buffy should be able to manage being on top for hours, as should Spike. In normal couples, if you don't change positions, various parts of your anatomy (like your back and legs, get your mind out of the gutter!) get very tired very quickly.

5. THE PROSTATE AND PERINEUM - Both located in male's anus. However, the perineum gland runs down, and can located by pressing gently on the skin between the testicles and the anus. So. Now you know.

6. THE PENIS - The underside of it has a ridge, which is more sensitive than the rest. The head can be circumcised or not - but seeing as Spike is a Brit, it wouldn't be. Thus, it would have a foreskin. Just FYI.

"What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?"

The answer? "Spitting, swallowing and gargling."

And, as one - "ewwwwwww!" Maybe. One thing many writers seem to forget is that oral sex can be enjoyable for both the giver and the receiver - and that TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY. If I give a bloke oral sex, I usually get the same in return, and vice versa. I can't tell you how many times I've read about Spike getting a blowjob and then slamming Buffy against a wall vigorously. Where does *she* get release from? It takes a lot more for a woman to reach climax than a man - stop clitoral stimulation at any point before climax, and that's it. All the work goes for nothing, because release is impossible. So, when writing oral sex (and manual stimulation - aka a hand job), there are a few things to remember:

1. If one of the pair is going down on the other, the chances are, they are enjoying themselves as well. Have a go at writing *their* enjoyment, as well as one being 'blown'.

2. Sperm and semen don't ever - ever! - taste sweet. It really jars the reader to come across something that is so blatantly untrue. Now, it may be they taste sweet as in, pleasing to taste, but that's usually a matter of context. And *sweet* sweet just makes me smile.

3. Fantasy versus realism: You have to decide which you are going for when writing this.

(a) In a fantasy world, a man can come and then still be ready immediately to go for thirty eight rounds in the sack. In the real world, there's usually a break of some sort - perhaps when he returns the favour?
(b) In the fantasy world, a first timer can swallow with no problem, they can deep throat without any trouble, and they have no gag reflex. In the real world, semen tastes strange the first time round (and possibly for many times after that), and is usually spat out. Deep throating is only for the advanced strumpet, who has overcome that oh, so annoying gag reflex.
(c) In the fantasy world, the man can thrust, and 'mouth fuck' the woman. In the real world, he better not do that without warning if he doesn't want her to choke and then throw up on him.
(d) In a fantasy world, teeth and nails are an acceptable prop for a first timer. In the real world, a first timer using her nails and teeth is likely to scar the bloke for life.

There are many other examples. The thing to decide early on is whether you want your sex scene to be nitty-gritty real, or fantasy sex. Neither is better than the other, especially when it comes to pairing two characters that are not entirely human. You could go for out and out bloodplay and violence that simply wouldn't be possible in real life - or you could try writing the 'real story' behind their first time. . . .

4. Luberication is very good on a handjob. Why? Because otherwise you could end up hurting someone if you're not careful . . . . .

5. To stimulate a woman, a man can't just 'lap wetly' for three hours. A little tongue work and exploration is involved. I *know* people are adventurous at home - so why can't we be adventurous when writing as well?

There. Just five points (with sub-points, but we'll ignore that). If you want a purely female perspective on fellatio in real life - note, *not* how to write it - read the 'guide to oral sex etiquette' . I didn't write it, and I don't have the slightest idea who did, either. It was passed on to me by friends and joke lists (and sometimes friends *on* joke lists) and it seemed strangely appropriate.

The single most important thing that writers have to remember about this is a little-known (well, if the stories I've read are any indication) fact about male physiology. The reason men enjoy anal sex is because they have a prostate and a perineum gland. They are the two male clitorii.

The thing is - WOMEN DON'T HAVE THEM.

Let's say it again and not forget it - WOMEN DO *NOT* HAVE THEM. What does this mean? It means that, while anal sex can be an enjoyable experience for the woman if she's manually stimulated during intercourse, and while the man certainly enjoys himself, it will *not*, on its own, result in a climax. This is a bit like oral sex - the man enjoys it, and the woman may enjoy it, but she will not climax from *giving* it. Now, as long as we remember that, there is no reason why, with a bit of manual stimulation (if the position is something like spoons or 'doggy style'), both partners cannot find release in a creative fashion. But please, please *please* do not write about Buffy's prostate, as that will have me stop reading in disgust. She doesn't have one!

The second thing to remember about these scenes is lubrication. There is a large emphasis on this in the m/m guides, but it should be said here as well. The anus is *not* built for sex. It's dry, too tight, and the sphincter muscle (the tight ring) tears very easily. All this results in blood and pain. If you're not careful, internal bleeding will result as well. Taking someone 'dry' would be a vicious form of rape - to put this in more understandable terms, it would feel like straight sex, only without the foreplay, without the readiness, and all the damage of a forced entry.

Because that's what anal sex entails, ladies and gentlemen - forced entry. It may well be pleasurable for both partners, but it still requires unbelievable trust and the ability to relax oneself. In fact, if the male is not careful - and his penis is very sensitive - anal sex may end up being just as painful for him if he damages the head of his cock. And that wouldn't incite much passion!

So - if you're new to sex scenes, I wouldn't recommend starting out with these. At least in m/m scenes you know what organs you're supposed to be 'hitting' (in a manner of speaking, of course) - male / female anal sex requires a lot more hand work for the same result! And if you're really not sure. . . . . *shrug* Try it yourself. You should try everything at least once, right? And if you don't like it, the odds are, Buffy wouldn't be too keen on it either. ;-)

Until then. . . . admire the empty walls and pray that this doesn't become a section where we discuss the worst excesses in specific fanfics. . . . in other fandoms, of course. *grin*

Or 'Various Other Words For Naughty Parts'. This is for when you get stuck and need another word to use. . . . or just want a laugh. *g* Feel free to email me any local / unusual euphemisims you may have heard of.

PENIS:
- cock
- dick
- manhood
- prick
- hardness
- shaft
- length

VAGINA:
- wetness / heat / tightness / anything that describes the sensation. . . .
- pussy
- cunt
- 'her' - as in, 'he entered her'

SEX:
- fucking
- roll in the hay
- hitting the sack (also means sleep *grin*)
- the horizontal tango
- shagging

Well, that's all I can think of this late night. If you know any more, give me a buzz!