NOTE:

And now, on to the first batch of fanfic rants.

CONTENTS:

1. The 'Write What They Read' Trap
2. Fashion in Fandom
3. The Case Of the Missing Buffy
4. Do I Know You?
5. Boy, You Be A Woman Soon
6. Someone's Stolen My Friends!

The first and worst offender is the complete deviation from storytelling. What on earth am I talking about, I hear you mutter. A story must have a topic. That much is a given, right?

Wrong.

You'd be surprised at how many stories I've come across that seem to be elaborate sex scenes. Nothing wrong with that if that's all you're trying to achieve. In fact, nothing wrong with sex scenes in general - I happen to like them a great deal, actually. But what if you're trying to cover another topic in there with all the screaming and clawing and declaring of love?

And so, we fall prey to the 'write what they read' trap.

People read sex scenes. That much I can tell you with categorical certainty. That's why we have PWP ('Plot? What plot?' or 'Porn Without Plot') stories. I read them. They're fun. They're titilating. They are also very, very annoying if they've been thrown in there for no good reason.

Most writers are being pressured into writing sex scenes by their reading public, regardless of whether the story requires them or whether the author feels inclined to write one. A good friend of mine categorically stated when she started writing (for another fandom) that she doesn't write sex scenes. She likes reading them, sure, but doesn't want to write one. She prefers to have UST (Unresolved Sexual Tension) by the bucketload instead, and irritate the hell out of her reading public. And her readers like this. They expect it from her. And still, knowing that she doesn't write sex scenes - knowing that she doesn't feel comfortable writing them - they still demand them.

For what purpose? Would the story be improved by having one there? Would it further the plot? Would it develop the characters? Would it even be, God forbid, *believable*? The general consensus seems to be - who cares. As long as there is some smut in there, the readers will be happy.

Or will they?

Nothing worse than coming across a forced sex scene, let me tell you. I'm not talking about non-consensual stuff - I'm talking about a scene thrown in there for no good reason other than to get it that much sought-after NC-17 rating. It feels clunky and awkward. At best, it nets you a few extra readers. At worst, it spoils the entire story for your usual audience.

So, to all the writers out there embarking on a Buffy/Spike story. Think about this hard - sure, sex scenes are fun to write. Sure, some stories have them and they work perfectly. But would *your* story be bettered or destroyed by one?

Another thing that seriously gets on my nerves is 'fashion trends' in writing. A while ago it became the height of writing fashion to write violent stories. No, I'm not joking. All of a sudden the fandom arena was flooded with excessively violent stories. Better still, they had sex and violence intermingled.

"What's wrong with sex and violence? Why are you running a Spike/Buffy site if you don't like it?"

Oh, don't get me started. Actually, I want to get started, so I'll carry on. I *like* sex and violence. I do. That's why I love the Buffy/Spike pairing. But, as above, I object to it when it's just been thrown in there for no good reason. And that's not the only thing that's been recurring recently. Gore has had a huge boost lately - whether from the new influx of ultra-horror horror films or from some new mindset. Whatever. That, like most other things, is a fandom trend.

Sex scenes have been around forever, so I'm not even going to cover them in terms of 'trendiness'. Actually, so violence has been pretty constant as well - for as long as there has been fanfic, someone out there will write a violent sexy fic to startled and titilate everyone that reads it. And that's a *good* thing.

The same thing happened with slash fiction (and you can tell that this is what I really want to rant about). Not a problem with Buffy/Spike fiction, you'd think. They are, after all, a het couple. Actually, this wouldn't be a problem with het couples full stop - all power to someone if they want to write slash fiction!

As a slash writer myself, I agree completely with the sentiment of this. But, as we all know, too much of a good thing makes you turn off your computer in disgust.

I guess I better start at the beginning. I don't just read 'Buffy' fanfic, and as such, these guides are not really Spike/Buffy or indeed 'Buffy' specific. I read widely, and so hope that I write widely. One of my first fandoms was "Babylon 5", and that still has a special place in my heart. It had scope and vision and the writing was of a very high standard, especially when it came to slash.

Lately, I've stopped reading "Babylon 5" fic. Why? The entire fanfic writing community seems to have gone slash-mad. Not a problem if they were writing slash stories. Not even a problem if they were writing non-couple stories and decided to have a couple in there. *Very* big problem if they're working on a large, impressive het fic that suddenly has a slash scene thrown in there for no apparent reason. This is happening more and more and as, in my opinion, seriously spoiling some excellent fiction.

The source? An on-stage kiss at a convention between two of the male actors on the show. My problem with this? It was an *on-stage* kiss. And it was the actors kissing, not the characters. They were, in essence, playing up to the crowd that was haranguing them about slash fiction and suchlike. Why suddenly there must be a slash scene inserted into every recent fanfic to acknowledge this kiss, I have no idea.

True, the 'Buffy' writers haven't been influenced by this - yet. And they may never be. On the whole, the slash fiction I've read in the 'Buffy' universe has been excellent - and when it's mixed in with het fiction (for example, a recent Buffy/Spike, Buffy/Angel, Angel/Spike fanfic I read was astonishing in being only a few pages long and yet covering a wealth of emotion) it gets even better. Have a read through Laure Alexander's work, if you don't believe me (Laure and Saber are goddesses, and we worship at their altars. If you want to see how a Buffy/Spike scene should read, have a look at their work).

It won't take much to see this same deterioration of work happen in the Buffyverse, though, and hence the rant. *waves a hand vaguely*

Of course, one trend I *have* seen in the Buffyverse is excess gore. I'm one of the sinners, and I hang my head in shame. Actually, I was influenced by Kate Bolin's Buffy work and sidewinder's Brimstone work when I went on a violence and blasphemy kick. And violent sex and gore can be seen in all its glory in Te's Ethan/Oz fic, "Under" (a sequel to Kate Bolin's "Skin" - also excellent, but nicely sparse on the gore). This is a *good* fic that has *good* gore and sex. It's shocking, it's thrilling, and friends of mine not the least bit interested in 'Buffy' are already haranguing me for the archive address so they can read it.

Unfortunately, the spate of copycat gore that followed in its wake was less than impressive. I'm one of the culprits here, so I, too, hang my head in shame (I wrote a short, strange fic for the Babylon 5 universe called "Icarus" that was inspired by the image of same body slash - you'll know what I mean if you've read "Under"). There was no particular reason for me to go off on such a tangent, and I could have achieved the same effect by using colours, abstract sounds or even the classic 'falling curtain' technique we used to have in movies. Did I? Nope. I went for out and out gore and confusion. *goes and stands in the corner for a long while*

So, there we have it. Lots and lost of ranting about trends, when I follow them myself. *shrug* I'm only human, I guess. But I try and hold back the worst of the urges (thank everything that's holy that you haven't been subjected to the worst excesses I came up with in the wake of "Under"). So - I'm not saying don't write. I'm not saying don't write violence, or sex, or gore, or anything like that. I'm just saying - as above, would your story me improved or destroyed by it?

I feel better for that rant. *exhales slowly* Yep, I do. I feel great that I finally got that off my chest. Now I can move on to other things to rant about! *sly smile*

Top of my list is Mary Sue. I'm not going to rant about poor old Mary Sue, though. No, not even about Willow Sue, who seems to have invaded the fandom and won't let go. A noted writer and webdesigner - hi Sandi! - is preparing a rant on her. I feel kinda sorry for Willow Sue now, knowing what's in store for her. No, actually, I don't.

But what I *really* want to rant about is a similar phenomenon, which is annoying in a completely different way. I am, of course, talking about character murder.

Character death is when the character is killed during the course of the story. Character murder is when the audience is duped into reading a story with a different character using Buffy's name. Confusing? Let me explain.

I don't like alternate universe stories. I never have. This is not because of their excessive strangeness (I like strange), or because they turn cannon on its head (I like that too). I mean, "Brave New World" is a wonderful piece of work - albeit unfinished. On the "Babylon 5" side, we have Gareth Williams, who is writing an alternate five year story arc, or Castor's "Conspiracy Theory" universe. These are very very good stories, and some of the best I've read. So, why the general dislike of A/Us?

Because, dear friends, they are very very hard to write convincingly. Some people - who shall remain nameless, of course - seem to think that an A/U gives you license to make up entirely new characters. IT DOESN'T. It lets you fiddle with the already established characters and make them fit your universe. But that doesn't seem to be enough for some writers.

And so, somewhere along the line we lost 'our' Buffy. Or possibly our Willow. Maybe even our Spike. They've been replaced by pod-people. The look just like the characters they've replaced - they may even have the same accent - but they don't act anything like them.

Buffy, for example, seems to have little or no moral compunction about her ex-lover's feelings. Spike seems willing to dust his paramour of a hundred years on a whim. Willow just sleeps with everything in sight and then turns out to be the long-lost daughter of Ethan which makes things awkward when she decides to marry Giles, and hang what *he* thinks on the matter.

Sound outlandish? I assure you, it's not. Our Buffy is missing and we can't seem to find her. Wherefore art thou, wisecracking sassy young thing? Wherefore art thou the love for Angel, the lust for Spike and the friendship for Willow? Wherefore art thou the relationships with everyone else? She suddenly becomes a loner. *shakes head in disgust*

This is not our old adversary, Mary Sue. Nor is it the terrible Willow Sue (although they may have a few traits in common). This is an amalgamation of the best of them. Yes, most of the time faux Buffy is a real character. She is rounded, has flaws and makes mistakes. The Spike version is even better, retaining wit and humour and love for cigarettes. The only problem with this is, they are not our characters.

Rounded and secure and engaging they may be, but all they have of the established characters is their name. I suppose we can blame Joss for this trend, because it seems unique to the Buffyverse. I have two words for you - "The Wish". Watch the master at work, boys and girls. We recognised Willow immediately, despite her being a leather-bound dominatrix. Why? Because she added to that the same air of whimsy and little-girlness that Willow - 'our' Willow - wears. We recognised that if Buffy had never come to Sunnydale, she would have become a much harder person than she turned out to be. Yet, still, there are traces of 'our' Buffy there.

Not so in these A/Us. For goodness' sake, if you're going to go to all the trouble of making a character as different from their namesake as possible, why not go one step further and change their names? Give them new jobs, move them to a different setting, and voila, your very own universe. Who knows, it may even sell.

Willow Sue must die. Mary Sue is hopefully only a memory. Now, the pod-people must be exterminated. For goodness' sake, give them their own show - and get them out of Buffy's!

As you can tell by now, I have many pet hates, and the list just keeps getting bigger. The worst offender after the faux Buffy is, of course, Buffy's faux sister. Faux, because Buffy *has* no sister. I'd guess that Mrs Summers has been busy. . . . .

Here be a Mary Sue. Die die die. Yet, here she thrives. Here she tries to get Buffy and Spike together. Here she tires to kill Buffy and/or Spike. Here she is their daughter. Here she is saving the world while Buffy retires and lives happily ever after with Spike. I never knew that so many siblings could be hidden throughout the world.

I'm not going to spend long ranting on this. I'm just going to say that the moment I encounter a long-lost child/sibling/pet goldfish, I tune out. I'm willing to bet that plenty of other readers do as well.

And after all that ranting, I feel fired up enough to go into one of my all-time favourite pet hates. Favourite, in that once I come across this in a fic, I'm unlikely to read that author's work for some time. Harsh? Maybe. I've come across harsher readers. And this crime, ladies and gents, deserves some serious punishment - of the non-fun kind!

Feminising a man in a slash fic. Is there a greater crime against writing in general? Only Mary Sue warrants as heinous a punishment. Perhaps this is one of the hazards of being a slash writer - and reader - but, still, I remain outraged. In Buffy fandom, this isn't as prevalent, partly because we're dealing with 'young adults' rather than grown men and women anyway. But - and this is a big but - in a male slash pair, one of the guys is almost invariably feminised in small but irksome ways.

Let's have a look at X-Files fic - Mulder/Skinner fic in particular. This was my favourite pairing in the X-Files universe to begin with. Now I'm venturing into my personal nightmare - Mulder/Krychek fic. Why? Because I'm pretty tired of reading about a doe-eyed Mulder smiling bravely during the most painful parts of his 'first time'. I'm tired of having him comforted by Skinner and reading him described as scared, frightened, terrified, whatever. . . . . I'm *more* than tired of having him described as a boy. A *boy*?! A *BOY*?! He's in his mid thirties, for crying out loud! Skinner is *not* old enough to be his father, unless you condone *seriously* underage sex. Mulder is *not* a troubled, crying, whimpering two-year old. I am not kidding. I'm read him described him like this. He's a grown man, doing well in his chosen profession of extraordinarily dangerous law enforcement. He's a FBI agent - he's killed people, he's beaten people up, and he's coped on his own through worse than a simple gunshot wound. Why, all of a sudden, can't he do this?

This brings me to ST: Voyager fanfic. Mulder's pulling a Paris, of course. He was abused/neglected as a child, and is thus unable to cope as an adult. Uh, yeah. I can *so* see that, what with Paris flying several tonnes of starship everyday. . . . And what does that mean for his growing relationship with Chakotay (my chosen slash pairing)? As far as I can see, he finds in him a surrogate father/protector, and clings to him like a doe-eyed, fair-skinned, delicate damsel in distress.

It's worst during the sex scenes. I cringe when I read of the feminised man on his back 'being taken like a woman', is I think the operative term. Invariably, the man with the more authority/screen presence is the 'top', and the 'fairer' man is the bottom. Don't believe me? Have a look below.

- CHAKOTAY/PARIS (Voyager) - Paris is invariably the hurt one, the abused one, the one who's comforted and 'topped'.
- MULDER/SKINNER (X-Files) - See above. Poor Mulder. He's turned into a woman.
- DANIEL/JACK (Stargate) - Okay, this fandom has been good. Daniel has been topped, but has also occasionally topped in return. And he hasn't been feminised, for which I am unbelievably thankful.
- JACK/TEAL'C (Stargate) - Just to illustrate my point about the 'fairer', more delicate man. Jack is the one being topped here, whereas he tops Daniel. Is there a 'topping' order, perchance? I always thought that the guys took turns, or decided what felt best for them. Maybe even some power play between these two leaders? Not so, apparently.
- OBI-WAN/QUI-GON (SW: Episode 1) - Here be the master and his blond apprentice. You can guess who tops whom.
- ZEKE/LUCIFER (Brimstone) - Zeke is blond, and he's weaker than Lucifer (yeah, Satan), so he's topped. Or is he? Some amazing work I've read has included the complete change in the balance of power.
- SPIKE/ANGEL (Buffy) - Ah, see, I got to 'Buffy' eventually. This was the reason for my discontent (well, part of it, anyway).

I'm not objecting to genuine power play - but to a cowed, scarred and *scared* Spike, running to his sire for comfort - constantly. Whatever happened to the Spike that beat Angel up, that stuck hot pokers in him, that called him anatomically impossible names?

Make him into a man again - quick!

On rare occasions, I feel sorry for Buffy. When she had to stake Angel, when she got picked on by everyone in "Dead Man's Party". Most of the time, I think that she has it nicer than most Slayers. Not easier, mind you, but *nicer*. She has friends she can rely on.

Except that in fanfic, she doesn't. She abandoned. I read pages and pages of text about her and Spike (or possibly her and Angelus), and spend half the time wondering what the Scooby Gang is doing. Why? Because they're never mentioned. And if they are, it's in an off-hand manner that doesn't tell us anything about them. On the rare occasions that they appear, they're stereotypes - caricatures of their usual characters. This is *not* big, and it's *not* clever. If Buffy was surrounded by morons, she would have been dead long ago. To put it simply, the Scooby Gang may try and describe themselves as normal kids, but you can bet your bottom dollar that they, too, go home and think about ambush tactics and beheading. Or at the very least about Latin and first aid.

Take, for example, Willow. Not just a brain, or a little girl dabbling in witchcraft. Strangely enough, she has her own life outside Buffy and the Scooby Gang. Xander is not an idiot. Giles is not just 'the British bloke'. Angel is not just her ex and a vamp. If you are spending hours working on Buffy and Spike's characterisations - making sure that they are presented just right - then that extra bit of effort for their acquaintances isn't too much to ask, is it? In the end, it makes all the difference.